I used to have the impression that you are either a mature person or you are not. As a late teen and in my early 20s, I considered myself pretty mature and had that confirmed by plenty of adults. I didn’t think I had tons of growth left to make. Sure, I could have a few more experiences under my belt like the “adultier” adults, but as far as I was concerned I was mature and people my age who weren’t considered mature would never change.
It was in my mid-twenties that I realized I still had a long way to go and that maturity isn’t something you either possess or are doomed to live without. I’m growing daily and learning how to better handle situations as time goes on. Of course, that doesn’t mean I always get it right. I wake up on the wrong side of the bed too and sometimes I say something off the cuff. Point is, the improvements are there. Here are some changes I’ve noticed in myself over the years that you may not have picked up on in yourself yet:
I don't need closure
Over the years, I had to start admitting to myself what I was looking for when I said I “needed closure” after the end of any situationship where I was left unsatisfied.
It would usually go something like this: girl likes boy, girl and boy date for six months, boy ends the situationship with girl, girl calls at three in the morning asking for so-called closure. The closure never gave me what it was supposed to give me. I’d been convinced that closure was supposed to help me move on faster by talking out what happened and ending the relationship on a positive note, preferably “as friends”.
Truth is, the only reason I wanted closure was as an excuse to see or speak to my now former partner one or two more times and try to convince them they didn’t want that break-up. No amount of talking it out after it was over was going to help me get over that break-up faster. Having answers to all my questions didn’t help either. Actually, I can’t say that. I never got the answers to all my questions. At least not sincere answers.
Sometimes I still think I need closure and then I remind myself that it’s just a method to prolong something that is already over. The best way to move on is to just.move.on.
People don’t just have to accept me as I am
I’m not saying to not be your authentic self. I’m saying stop using that as an excuse to be a piece of sh*t.
I used to mess up pretty darn bad. I’d say things that were vastly inappropriate for the situation or act out in unnecessary ways. Like the time one of my college professors asked if anyone would like to present and I said no. I got a laugh out of the class but it was a mean move and one I still feel guilt over. It was obnoxious and unnecessary and had she chosen to reprimand me for the matter, I’d now understand. Luckily for me, this was a Psychology class and Psychology majors tend to explain away people’s behaviors.
It’s not to say that I am the model of kindness and appropriateness. I still mess up now and then, but I no longer expect others to just sit there and take it. And if they do, I don’t use it as a license to continue being awful. Instead, I reflect on how my thoughts and actions may have affected the recipient and how I can improve myself.
I no longer try to convince others that their false beliefs about me are false
Everyone has heard the saying “pick and choose your battles” more times than they can count on their fingers and toes. Well, it took me quite some time for that to set in. It used to stress me out when someone had a pretense about me. Pretty ironic, considering that I also believed everyone should just accept my obnoxious behavior as it came out. If someone was convinced that I was something contrary to my self-concept, I’d argue endlessly to convince them otherwise.
I no longer do that. If someone has a preconceived notion about who I am as a person and after telling them one time that it is untrue, I don’t work to keep trying to convince them. That preconceived notion is a reflection of who they are, not of who I am. That’s not to say that I don’t accept constructive feedback. But if a man is convinced that I am a cheater, I’m not going to waste my time arguing with him as I would have a few years back. I know it is simply not true. If he can’t be convinced otherwise, that’s his problem, not mine. I don’t need to convince anyone of who I am to continue being that person.
I don’t need to get even
I pulled off a real Mean Girls level move one time. There was a girl in my high school who rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t remember much about our time in high school together, but I do remember her sitting on my boyfriend’s lap Freshman year. My boyfriend was right next to me. After that event, every breath she took annoyed me. One day I decided to get back at her with a laxative the day we had a performance in front of our families. This was utterly wrong and could have probably had me expelled from school, but I had to get back at her as retribution for all the frustration she’d caused me over two and a half years.
I no longer feel the need to get back at people. I’m usually able to explain away their behavior; maybe that person had a rough day or a rough childhood. Of course, that doesn’t mean I tolerate it either. If someone is affecting my happiness, I limit their access to me. It helps that I’m no longer forced to sit through 90-minute classes with a person I dislike.
It took me a long time to realize that hating someone or tolerating their obnoxious behavior was hurting me more than it was hurting them. The energy I was putting into one-upping them was taking away from more productive activities. Plus, it made me just as bad as the other person! How often does someone cut you off on the road so you get back at them by speeding up and cutting them off in return? Hi, guilty right here! I’m not perfect. I still do this if I’ve hard a particularly hard day because it gives me a split second of satisfaction, but what does this do for me? Nothing! If anything, it could land me in a car accident.
If you’re still working on your personal development just remember that you already took the first major step: acknowledging that there is growth to be made. Just remember to keep a few things in mind on your growth journey:
Mental growth isn’t linear growth. You’ll have setbacks and you’ll have your moments of weakness. Anyone who says they’ve never gone backward is a liar.
It doesn’t come at once. You will continue to grow for the rest of your life. Every experience is a chance to build that growth.
No one book or webinar will bring you all the personal growth and development you need, but they can help open your eyes.