Put yourself in this scenario: Hair’s tied up. Game face on. Your workout bottoms are snug around your waist. Shoes tied. The pre-workout is kicking in and you look and feel fierce. It’s ab day. 3 sets of 20 Crunches superset with 3 sets of Russian Twists. Done. Leg Lifts. Done. Bicycle Crunches. Done. Sweat and endorphins. Got ‘em.
You walk into the locker room and lift your top. You might be hopeful, but you don’t expect instant abs just from one workout. That would be absurd! What does make sense is to expect abs if you consistently take the actions necessary to increase the mass of your abdominal muscles and decrease your body fat to show those muscles. You don’t expect abs after one session and then just give up, right? At least I hope not.
I recently read Unf*ck Yourself and one specific chapter stood out. The chapter name, “I Expect Nothing and Accept Everything” was intriguing, but what lost me was “The point here is that the ‘expectation’ of how life should be doesn’t do you any good.” The author then goes on to say, “here’s the coaching- CUT IT OUT! Let go of those expectations NOW!”. I don’t exactly agree. Luckily, I don’t expect to agree with every book I read. Gary John Bishop isn’t totally off the ball. He drew me back in where he states “You’re simply embracing your situation as it comes.”
Let me explain. Expectations are a well ingrained part of human nature, and like everything else that is human nature, they are there for our survival. A baby cries expecting milk, hunters went into the woods expecting to find prey and I go into the grocery store expecting groceries. I have expectations of what my life will look like. You might have certain expectations for this article. Hopefully you expect it to be good and hopefully I fulfill that expectation.
Having expectations is what prevents me from waltzing into a Homegoods when I’m looking for a dozen eggs. I have expectations of what I want my life to look like. For example, I expect to be a parent someday.
My expectation of being a parent someday is, for the most part, in my control. I can birth a child. If that doesn’t work, I can adopt and/or foster. I can be a puppy mom (they’re a lot of work, trust me). However, I do have to check some expectations at the door. I can’t expect to become pregnant on the first try. It could happen, but it likely won’t. I can’t expect to never miscarry; that is totally out of my control. I can hope for a particular gender, but I can’t say I expect one gender over the other when there is a 50–50 chance. I’d be setting myself up for a 50% chance of disappointment.
A few days ago I visited the man I’ve been seeing for the past few weeks. I expected to arrive at his home and have him greet me there. That was what was agreed upon. He’s always kind and respectful, so I expected that too. Anything otherwise would have raised big, red flags.
Along with those rational expectations, my mind went down the rabbit hole of romance movie land. I had to quickly lose those irrational expectations before entering the room because I knew I’d made someone up and if I was set on those Nicholas Spark movie standard, I was setting myself up for disappointment. Not to say they can’t happen, but I hadn’t communicated any those romance expectations to him. How was he to assume what I was thinking in my head? I didn’t get to lay on the street in the middle of the night or 365 letters. What I got instead was a home-cooked dinner, card games and lots of laughs. I wouldn’t change anything about how the night went.
I am starting a business. My expectation is for myself to put 100% into my business. I don’t expect 100% to look the same everyday. If I’m sick, 100% might mean sleeping so that I can recover and get back into the grind the next day. I hope and affirm that the income, someday, is six or more figures. I expect things I can control, I want and affirm things I cannot control.
My point is, we need to have expectations. Expectations keep us efficient, they help us goal set and allow us to hold standards. To say everyone should let go of expectations is too vague of an assertion. However, I do think we need to check some of our expectations at the door, and if we don’t do that in time, we have to be able to adjust to reality.
Placing high expectations on someone can lead to disappointment and lowered self-esteem due to what might feel like a rejection. When in fact, it is not a rejection, just different from what was expected. Be careful which expectations you keep. When you notice yourself becoming disappointed, ask yourself, what were my expectations? You may notice that you made something up in your head that you would not be able to control or that someone else may not be able to live up to. Maybe that other person would have met your expectations had you communicated them. And you may notice that although it wasn’t what you expected, something just as good actually happened. Or that a new door of opportunity has opened up for you where there wasn’t one before.