We see and hear often that limiting beliefs and mental blocks are holding us back from better, higher paying jobs, building our new businesses, and learning new skills. But we don’t spend enough time discussing how our mindset contributes to how and who we date. There is very little about the decisions we make on a daily basis that goes unaffected by our ingrained beliefs of ourselves and others. Relationships and dating are no exception to this.
Limiting beliefs are those that prevent us from fulfilling our highest level of potential, goals and desires. These beliefs are often subconscious, going through our minds without acknowledgement of their existence. If you find yourself in an unfulfilling relationship, or dissatisfied with your dating life, it’s likely that your limiting beliefs are holding you back from finding your ideal partner.
You believe you have to do it all yourself
Toxic relationships tend to follow a pattern of having one partner who is putting in all the effort: reaching out for communication, traveling to the other, and paying for dates and expenses. Meanwhile, the other partner puts in minimal or no effort. If you find yourself burned out with your relationship, it is likely because you’ve given in to the idea that you have to give 100% to make up for your partner’s half. Truth is, a relationship does not require two people putting in 50% each. It requires each partner putting in 100%.
If each relationship or situation you have found yourself in requires you putting in substantially more effort than your partner, you have probably subscribed to the thought that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t true; your belief that you have to put in all the effort is leading you to find and keep partners who are happy to put in less than their part. Your thoughts and actions are further enabling their behavior.
You believe you have to reach a particular status before you start dating
A former roommate of mine constantly complained of feeling lonely. Thinking she was just afraid to meet people in person, I told her stories of people who had success with online dating. Her fear wasn't meeting people, her fear was telling them her job. As a 35 year old women, she was ashamed to be in an entry-level position as an Administrative Assistant.
Even before meeting someone she was interested in, she already made the (likely false) assumption that any man she deemed worth going on a date with would judge her based on her occupation. She was denying herself happiness and opportunity by self-disqualifying from potential partners. While some people do judge based on your occupation (it sucks, but it does happen), you will never know whether or not they will accept you unless you try.
You believe there is a small pool available, so you settle
I stuck around with my ex, on-and-off, for a year. I knew he was toxic, I felt I deserved better, but I dealt with anything he threw at me because I thought I couldn’t find another man like him. A man who was funny, hard-working, tall, strong and intelligent all wrapped up in one package. I compromised my needs and self-worth for a combination of characteristics I thought I could not easily find again. And if I did, I figured that man would be unavailable to me.
Let me tell you that I could not have been more wrong, but I didn’t know that until I opened myself to looking. Really looking. Once the relationship was over and I allowed myself the time to heal, I learned he was most certainly replaceable. There is someone else out there that checks all the boxes. You just have to have the patience to find him or her.
You believe you’ll face the same problems of the past
The time I took to heal was necessary because I would sabotage every new situation-ship before that person could do to me what my ex did. My ex had the tendency of making plans with me and not showing up. This drove me up the wall and was the cause of a few of our biggest blow-ups and break-ups.
When I started dating other guys, I expected them to do the same, so I’d avoid making plans altogether or my anxiety manifested into clingy, insecure behavior. Healing took time, awareness, and dipping my toe slowly into the water. It meant going on a few dates with men who showed up and proved my beliefs wrong. A few caused set backs, but over time I had enough successes to undo my fears.
If your limiting beliefs are holding you back from a satisfying romantic life, you’re not alone. Once I started addressing the limiting beliefs holding me back in life I started noticing drastic changes in who and how I dated. While I remain single, I noticed I attract higher quality partners, I no longer settle or act out of desperation, and I no longer tie my dating life to my value, or my value to my dating life. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Mindset work matters for your relationships. Personal development, confidence building, acting from a place of gratitude and abundance reflect on who you are attracted to and who you attract.
The same way you shouldn’t overextend yourself in your career, stop overextending yourself in your relationships. A relationship should add to your life, not take away from it.
Take the time to reflect on toxic patterns with previous partners and the insecurities those may have caused. They are likely manifesting in subconscious ways and sabotaging your new relationships.
I recommend reading (or at least researching) The Five Love Languages. I identified my love languages and now know what I need from my partner to feel loved. If you don’t know your needs, how can he or she know your needs?
Get out there, do the mindset work, and watch how all different aspects of your life change. Whenever you have one of those bullying thoughts in your mind, like “I’ll never find someone like him”, acknowledge the thought and then negate it. It’s simply not true! Do that enough times and you’ll see your love life flourish.
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